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Concord,
Mass - Extreme sports enthusiast (and extreme longshot presidential
candidate) John F. Kerry was injured Sunday in preparation for the
upcoming X-games. He was training for the Mountain Dew 10 k Bikeathon,
when he apparently crashed. Although his wounds were eventually deemed
superficial, he has already demanded (and received) an additional two
Purple Hearts for being injured during a time of war.
Authorities
have yet to comment on the rumor that one of his six-foot
long oversized Vietnam combat ribbons (which he had made
specifically for the presidential campaign) got caught in his
spokes, contributing to his tumble. After the accident, Kerry was
life-flighted to Cedar Sinai Medical Hospital where he was greeted by
hundreds of supporters from the "mainstream" media.
It
is still unknown whether or not Senator Kerry's wife, Teresa, was able
to "kiss the boo-boo and make it better." However, we are pleased to
announce that both the basket and horn on his bike were undamaged
(although the baseball card he had hooked up into his spokes to make a
"really cool noise" was completely destroyed).
Kerry's Campaign Manager (speaking on condition of anonymity) had this to say: "You've got to admire the irony of the
whole situation. The senator crashed after hitting a patch of sand,
which is pretty much what happened to his campaign after he started to
inject politics into the Iraq War. Get it? Sand? Iraq?" He further went
on to say that any Democrat who wants to continue to politicize
the war on terrorism is free to do so at his or her own karmaic
risk.
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