Good evening, everybody. I'm Jim Lehrer. Welcome to the final 2004 Democratic Primary debate. This debate will in fact determine which candidate goes on to challenge President Bush in November. On the far left is John F. Kerry, Senator from Assachusets. To the right is Michael Cooper.... Er. Um, this is highly irregular, but I have just been told that Mr. Cooper does not consider Senator Kerry a worthy opponent. Therefore, he has sent staff member Ricky Retardo to debate in his place.

"Ricky Retardo?" Ha ha! Hey Ricky, where's Lucy? Ha ha ha!

Oh yeah. Like I haven't heard that one a million times, dick.

Senator Kerry, Mr. Retardo, how would each of you handle the situation in Iraq?

I'll tell you how I wouldn't handle it. I wouldn't be arrogant like this administration. I would get the global community involved. I would get our allies back on our side and get them to share the burden.

Let me translate that. I'm fluent in "bullshit." Saying we need to get the "global community" involved is code for the United Nations. That pack of jackals wouldn't help us if their lives depended on it (which they do). The so-called "allies" Senator dumfuck is talking about were all paid off with lucrative oil contracts from Saddam Hussien. And the UN ran out of Iraq at the first sign of trouble. I'm a 'tard and even I know this.

Well put. Along those lines, how would each of you handle the global War on Terrorism?

I'll tell you how I wouldn't handle it. I wouldn't be arrogant like this administration. I would get the global community involved. I would get our allies back on our side and get them to share the burden. I would handle this as a police action. Furthermore, this president has arrogantly trampled on our civil rights. And did I mention that I think the president is arrogant?

Boy, Senator Kerry, you should work in a movie theater or something. You're a master projectionist. You keep calling Bush "arrogant," even though you sound like Thurston Howell III. But you gotta be kidding me with that "police action" garbage. Isn't that what the 9/11 Commission determined was wrong with our approach to terrorism in the first place? Are you seriously trying to tell me that you want Barney Fife out there looking for Al Qaeda? And for the love of Jim Caveizel, would you make up your mind? Either Bush is "trampling on the rights of Arab Americans" or he's "not doing enough to protect the homeland." Pick a fucking side and stick with it.

Wow - another big win for the 'tard. On to the next question. I'm holding up an item. Can either of you tell me what this is?

Yes, Jim. That is a ribbon.

Ribbons... Or medals.... Both, actually. You see Jim, when I was in Vietnam...

(Cuts in) OK, that's enough. It's a fucking ribbon, John. And you lose two points for bringing up Vietnam. I suppose we could talk about the economy, but since nearly 300,000 new jobs were created in April, that one's pretty much a dead issue... OK, how about gasoline prices? Do either of you own one of those gas-guzzling SUVs?

No. I'm not allowed to drive. I take the bus with the rest of the creeps.

Yeah, I take the bus, too.

You do???

No. I just wanted to sound like a "regular guy," because everyone always says that I'm a gold-plated phony.

That's what I thought. Next question: Is John Kerry a gold-plated phony?

Absolutely.

Oh HELL YEAH! Hey - I finally got one right!!!

Yes you did. Unfortunately, with the previous two-point deduction, you're still at -1. And we're out of time. I declare Ricky Retardo the clear winner of the debate. He wins $10,000 and gets to take one item from you.

Well, one thing I could really use is some hair. I'll take his hair, Jim.

No! Anything but the hair! It's the main reason why the French love me so much! Goddamnit! I hate you fucking poor people. All of you can go straight to hell as far as I'm concerned.... (is this mic still on?). Oops. Umm... I mean, Vietnam... This president is arrogant... Wait, wait, I'll say something that resonates with the people (eventually). Um, what about "Bush Lied, they Died?" No?

Security???