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This
week while campaigning in Alabama, presidential longshot John Dumbass
Kerry showed his medal-tossing prowess once again, winning himself a
blue ribbon at the Alabama State Fair. He later dazzled the
rest of the toothless attendees by winning the ring-toss, the bean-bag
toss, the water-balloon toss, and the credibility toss.
"John
Kerry cleaned us out," lamented fair organizer Robert E. Lee XIII.
"Hell, if we'd known he was so damn good at throwing things, we would
never have let him compete." The day was not without controversy,
however, as Kerry was accused of cheating during the ring-toss
event. The carnie in charge said that at one point Kerry used
Hoola-Hoops instead of the mandatory 4-inch rings (netting himself 37
stuffed animals in one shot).
A
defiant Kerry fired back: "Where I come from, rings and
Hoola-Hoops are interchangable. Ask Bob Numbnutz of the Boston Globe.
He's my personal secretary and he got the story right. It's these dumb
hicks that can't figure out the difference!" When pressed on the issue,
Kerry insisted that this was just another RNC attack designed to
take away his status as "Carnie Queen," and regretted that he had
bragged about it to begin with. DNC Chair Terry McAuliffe was
unavailable for comment, as he had won first prize in the male
horseface contest earlier in the day (and was out celebrating his
victory when we tried to reach him).
John
Kerry honed his tossing skills at a very young age. In
kindergarten, he tossed two gold stars over the school fence after his
teacher repremanded him for being a "potty mouth." It was later
revealed that the "stars" Kerry tossed were actually the ribbons
of a female classmate. To this day he claims that she asked him to do
it, and that he was consistent in his story.
Later
in life, Kerry perfected his skills when he tossed (what turned out to
be) another man's Vietnam War medals over the White House fence in a
show of protest. Or was it the Capitol fence? And were they medals or
ribbons? Shit, now I'M starting to get confused.
Here's
the bottom line. John Kerry is running for president, and he wants your
vote, even though he doesn't know the difference between medals and
ribbons. And he doesn't know what type of automobiles he and his family
own. And he has no clue regarding the United Nations, the War in Iraq,
Economics, or pretty much any major issue in this election. But he WAS
a highly decorated Vietnam Veteran, and well, why not vote for him
gosh-darn it??
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