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DHL Acquires Hot Dog on a Stick
Last
year, cash-rich Deutsche Post (the German Post Office) went on an
unprecedented spending spree, acquiring DHL, Danzas, and
Airborne Express. This month, their buying frenzy concluded with the
purchase of the American fast-food chain Hot Dog on a Stick. The
acquisition was the final phase in Deutsche Post's plan for dominating
the global transportation (as well as Food Court) markets. "The
purchase of Hot Dog on a Stick is something we've been wanting for a
long time," explained Marketing Director Hans Gruuber. "As many have
already noticed, we have adopted the loud, colorful uniforms that have
become a staple in shopping malls across America. This is going to
increase our brand recognition to record levels."
The gaudy
and annoying new uniforms signal a challenge to rival UPS (as
evidenced by their new slogan "What can Yellow and Maroon do for
you?"). Big brown has already hinted at a copyright
infringement lawsuit. In the meantime, its customers will be happy
to know that not only can they receive global package service through
DHL/Airborne, they will soon be able to purchase tasty treats. In
addition, Deutsche Post has begun its new spring marketing campaign.
For every ten shipments, customers will receive a complimentary Banana
Julius.
Peace Quilt Recall
Today
the Federal Trade Commission issued its first-ever nationwide
Peace Quilt recall. The recall was issued on over 7000 Tibetan and
Hippie "Peace Quilts" made between 1999 and 2002. It has been
determined that the quilts are defective, and none of them has
prevented a single act of terrorism (nor have they quelled
Islamists' desires for world domination). Consumer Activist Ralph
Roundbottom, who bought a quilt from the Oregon Peace Institute prior
to the Sept 11th attacks, said "This was obviously a scam meant to take
advantage of the gullibility of people with no critical thinking
skills. The quilts were sold under the guise of protecting the
world from terrorism, war, and strife. Needless to say, many
well-intentioned people were scammed, and they deserve their money
back."
Syndicated
radio talk show host Clark Howard told us "People really need to be
careful when making purchases such as these. As you recall, last month
the Attorneys General of 17 states filed a class-action lawsuit against
several bumper sticker manufacturers. The stickers such as "Free
Tibet," "No War in Iraq," and "Dean for President," were deemed to be
fraudulent and completely ineffective. In fact, there may be
criminal charges filed as early as next week."
Author of "Butch Up" to Get Own TV Show
Finally,
with the impending imprisonment and/or suicide of America's
do-it-yourself diva Martha Stewart, a new fashion icon has started
to emerge. Karen Caldwell, author of "Butch Up" (a
best-selling guide for women on how to look unattractive) has
signed a deal with Multi-Media Enterprises to host her own cable
television show. Caldwell, a 38-year-old mother of two, became an
instant celebrity after her second book release early last year. Since
reaching #1 on the New York Times Best Seller List, she has received
numerous television offers (but has waited for just the right moment).
Among
other things, Caldwell teaches women in their early 20's to late 30's
ways to make themselves unappealing sexually to their husbands. Her
first book ("Lesbo Chic") was a disappointment, but is set for
re-release this summer. Some of Caldwell's more famous tips are getting
your long hair pig-shaved into what is known as a "mommy
cut." This type of haircut, Caldwell assures women, is NOT just
for mothers. In fact, women of all ages who want to look as
unattractive as possible in the least amount of time are encouraged to
take the trip to Supercuts and get this hairstyle (also known as the
"K.D. Lang"). Other ways for women to look unattractive are sweatpants,
hats, and the time-tested favorite, getting fat. Look
for Caldwell's show "How to Be an Asexual Butch Mom" this
September on the Bravo network.
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