Socially
retarded behavior at the grocery store starts in the parking lot (like
it does at the mall). Notice the BMW or Hummer that is deliberately
taking up two spaces. This is a perfect example of somebody afflicted
with Socially Retarded Disorder. They could have most assuredly driven
ANOTHER car (which would have fit within the parking spot). But of
course the object is for them to show the rest of us how "important"
they are. When you see this, please be sure to issue a "tard ticket"
and put it on their windshield.
Here's the most common Socially Retarded Behavior at the Store:
Using the motorized cart to carry your carcass around the store (when your only apparent disability
is "being really fat").
Deciding
at the last minute not to buy that (steak, ice cream, douche, or
whatever) and putting it in the magazine rack (because you can't be
bothered to actually put it back where it belongs).
(Parents) Letting your bastard climb up on the counter.
(Parents) Letting little ratty-haired Breanna or Kyle eat a corn dog or whatever from the
Deli before you actually pay for it. (It's even more retarded when an ADULT does this).
(Parents) Letting your little 'tard push the shopping cart slowly and awkwardly down the
aisle, completely preventing the rest of us from getting by.
Standing in the way and blocking a section (Coke, Beer, Peanuts, or whatever) and not being
intelligent enough to realize it. When
someone walks up and is trying to see "through" you, it means that they
want you to get your fat ass out of the way (but they figure only an
uber-tard wouldn't know that without having to be asked).
(Women) Using your cell phone to talk (loudly) about deeply personal issues that quite frankly
the rest of us have no interest listening to.
If you want to call your boyfriend to ask him what he wants for dinner,
that's one thing. But nobody wants to hear to prattle on about your
vaginosis flareup.
(Women) Not putting down that little divider at the checkout counter. Men seem to have no
problem doing this. Please climb out of your Cinderella Complex fantasy world for five
seconds and get your fingers dirty for once.
(Old People) Using the "You-Scan-It" machine. Look,
gramps. You can't even operate an ATM machine, and you sure as hell
don't know how to properly cast a vote. Don't even try holding up the
line. The "U-Scan" is for people who grew up in the Pac-Man Generation
and after.
(Teenage Girls) Practicing your Dance Team or Cheerleader Squad moves in the store.
It's
bad enough that your biggest aspiration is to help the semi-homosexual
jocks at your school prove they aren't "gay" by having sex with you,
but please stop with the moves at the store. They aren't impressing
anybody.
(Welfare Queen) Buying cigarettes and booze with taxpayers' money. That's MY money. It should be used to buy cigarettes and booze for me and my family.
(Cashier) Reading (and commenting) on a Birthday or Anniversary card that the customer is
buying. Reading the dopey card I'm buying for my mom on Mother's Day, then saying "Oh...
that's sweet" is not going to make you my friend. It's going to make you my victim.
(Cashier) Playing Perry Mason and determining what I'm going to have for dinner by looking
at the ingredients in my cart. If
I happen to buy Rice Krispies and Marshmallows, it doesn't give you the
right to humiliate me by loudly proclaiming "Yum.. You're making Rice
Krispy Treats!" Just shut the hell up.
(If
there's a bank inside the store): There's an island in the center of
the bank, where you're supposed to fill out your deposit (or
withdrawal) slips. If you don't have yours completed, don't go up to
the teller and fill it out at the counter. Everybody
else is intelligent and capable enough to realize you fill out your
paperwork at the island. THEN you take your completed form to the front
of the line. If one more bitch cuts in front of me using this method,
well.... I can't SAY what I'm going to do, but it involves my hands,
your neck, and that chain which keeps the bank's one good pen from
being stolen.
(At the Bank) Wasting the teller's time (and by default, everybody else's time) by asking
her to detail your four overdraft fees. It's
bad enough that you're an idiot and don't know how to manage your own
checking account, but do you really need to advertise it to an
ever-increasing crowd of angry people on their lunch hour?
(Russians and Old Men) Having B.O. This
may have been something that was acceptable in Stalingrad, but this is
America, pal. Before waiting behind me in line, you need to go back to
the personal care section and get some pit juice, because it's making
me gag. Same goes for old men and hippies.
(Old Women) Waiting until the last possible moment to consider that you might actually need
to PAY for your groceries. This
is perhaps the most socially retarded grocery store behavior of them
all. You know you're going to have to pay, but you figure you can hold
up the line even more by using coupons, double coupons, and
COMPETITOR'S coupons (of course, you only take these out after the
cashier gives you the total). Then, you open up your purse (and a
moth flies out) and give her the coupons. After the cashier eliminates
the ones that are expired, you get the new total and (slowly) start
writing a check (a method of payment that went out a decade ago). After
you pay, you then make the rest of us wait another five minutes while
you balance your checkbook. As you do this, the cashier is ringing up
MY groceries (but I can't pay until you get the hell out of my way).
Finally, you leave, but now I'M the one holding up everyone else
(thanks to your sorry old ass).
