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Over
two months ago, the Mayor of Philadelphia had a problem. He was ready
to demolish Veterans Stadium, but the city (like most) was still
reeling from the after effects of the Clinton-Gore recession. The
probem? It was going to cost several million dollars to pay to have the
stadium demolished, and Philly just didn't have the money to do
it. They sure as hell weren't going to dip into their Cheese-Steak and
Mullet Reserve Fund (that's supposed to be used for a rainy day).
So
what to do? Fortunately, the Mayor of Philly (whose name escapes me at
the moment) is a huge Cooper for President supporter. He asked OUR
advice, and we're glad to have helped. It just so happens that (being
the culturally-sensitive types that we are) we have several contacts
throughout the Middle East. A Palestinian woman we know had written us
talking about how embarassed she was that her son had reached the age
of SIX without blowing himself up yet. To a Palestinian, this is
humiliating. Having your first born son reach the age of six is not
something to be proud of, and she was running out of excuses.
That's
when it hit us. I remember my grandfather always preaching to me about
the importance of "killing two birds with one stone." In other words,
if you have two problems, try to solve both of them with the same
action. The best example my grandfather gave me was drinking and
driving. He would never drink then drive. He would drink WHILE
driving. That way he would be good and drunk when he came home (instead
of having to sit through a painfully retarded episode of Hee-Haw,
waiting for the buzz to kick in).
Long
story short - We flew this woman (and a couple of her friends with the
same embarassing problem) to Philadelphia, where she was able to show
how much she really "loves" her son. She loaded him up with explosives,
marched him into Veterans Stadium, and at 7:00 Sunday morning, KABOOM!
Although she said it would have been better if her little angel could
have blown up some Jews, I solved that problem by saying that the
stadium had been built by a Zionist constuction company. Whether that's
true or not isn't the issue. All that matters is that I have shown my
advanced "cultural understanding" and helped a poor, unfortunate
Palestinian woman fulfill her lifelong dream.
I swear to God, I better win the Nobel Peace Prize for this one, or there's gonna be hell to pay.
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