There’s an old Native American joke that has been passed down for generations. Because it’s relevant to something currently in the news, I’m going to share it with you palefaces. Here it is: A man in his 30’s was having a midlife crisis. All of his friends were either married or had otherwise active sex lives (with multiple women). But this guy couldn’t get a date to save his life. He was reasonably attractive (and earned a decent living) but simply could not get laid. Not knowing what the problem was, the guy finally swallowed his pride and sought advice from the village elder. The chief immediately told him to pull down his pants. Upon doing so, the chief noticed the man had an extremely small penis. "There’s your problem, Kimosabe. You will never get a date when you are so small," noted the chief.

"What can I do?" asked the man (practically in tears).

"Do what everyone else in your position does," replied the chief. "Buy a Humvee."

Ahahahahaha! I had you going, didn’t I??? Hey, I’m just stating what everyone already knows. People who drive Humvees are the most insecure, narcissistic, arrogant pricks on the planet (and they are clearly trying to over-compensate for SOMETHING). No desperate cry for attention comes close to driving a "Hummer." Of all the socially retarded highway behavior (tailgating, driving with your brights on, or driving too slowly while yapping on your cell phone), driving one of these monstrosities is one of the worst. And don’t get me started on WOMEN who drive them.

But here’s what’s really interesting: People who VANDALIZE Humvees (or torch dealerships under the pretense of "helping the environment") are in the same boat. That’s right – Eco terrorists are as narcissistic and ego-driven as the people whose Humvees they’re vandalizing. They are in fact two sides of the same coin. It’s all about "me me me."

Take the story of William Cottrell (a 23-year-old grad student at the California Institute of Technology). This week, Cottrell was arrested for vandalizing 125 SUVs and Humvees last August. How did authorities find him? He sent several emails to the press, taunting the police and leaving "clues" about his identity. In other words, he WANTED them to find him. In fact, after police had arrested another environmental activist, Cottrell emailed the news media to chide the cops for arresting the wrong man (in their defense, their original suspect was named Josh. It is a well-known, scientific fact that most eco terrorists – as with Extreme Sports enthusiasts – have first names like Jared, Dylan, Seth, Noah, or Josh).

Cottrell (a self-described ELF member) is now facing trial for doing $3 million worth of damages in last summer’s firebombing campaign. So how did he get to be such a self-centered egomaniac? It seems that (like his trust fund) he inherited his enormous ego from his da-da. His father (predictably, Dr. William Milnes Cottrell) has expressed disbelief at his son’s involvement. Originally saying he hoped his son wouldn’t be charged with the crime, Mr. Cottrell now has been quoted as saying "We are still reasonably sure he wasn’t a primary agent in this deed."

Yep. It seems that like all good rich white parents do, when faced with the facts, first DENY your son’s involvement. Then, when it’s unavoidable, try to MINIMIZE your kid’s role (as if trying to paint him as an easily-manipulated dupe will help your case). If convicted, Cottrell will face up to 40 years in prison. Such a long sentence is unlikely, but if he DOES do some time in the joint, he might want to tone down the ego a bit. It might come back to haunt him in the end (pun intended).

* Disclaimer: People in the armed forces who drive Humvees for a living are of course exempt from the above criticism (as are veterans who drove them in the military and got hooked). Apart from those exceptions, everything said about Hummer drivers is 100% accurate. If you don’t believe me, go ask a shrink (no pun intended).