"Basically we were tired of people making fun of us," said Sheik Yerbooty, organizer for the TerrOlympics. "Up until now, most peoples' perception of terrorists and athletics was the video footage of the Al Qaeda training camp in Afghanistan, where our young recruits were humiliated by having to wear hoods and run on a balance beam. And don't get me started on the goddamn monkey bar training footage."

 

The TerrOlympics began with the traditional Lighting of the George Bush Doll, and burning of the American flag. After that, the crowd chuckled as some doves were released, representing the "peace" that Islamists and their associated leftist front groups in America claim they want (although they're really only opposed to war when America is fighting back against them). The biggest laugh of the week, however, came when Mohammed Ali reenacted his famous "I'm an idiot" speech from the 2002 Olympic opening ceremonies, saying "I know a lot of people think that Islam is violent. Well, I'm here to tell you that Islam is the Religion of Peace. Anyone who says otherwise will have to answer to me." The irony and humor of an 80 year old feeble-bodied, feeble-minded man with Parkinsons threatening anybody was nothing compared to his pitiful lack of knowlege of Islam, and the crowd howled in appreciation.

 

The first event was the Men's 100 Meter Caterwaul, where representatives from every Arab country whined and moaned about the abuse of Iraqi prisoners at the hands of American women. This year's winner was 23 year old Ahmed Camelfuck of Egypt. He was able to whine and seethe for a record-breaking 15 minutes without once coming up for air.

 

The Caterwaul was followed by a prolonged Moment of Silence. A hush fell over the stadium as everyone in attendance (including the media) said absolutely nothing about the suicide bomber in Iraq who killed five Iraqi civilians this week, the hundreds of innocent Iraqi civilians deliberately targeted by Michael Moore's blessed "patriots" in Iraq, the victims of 9/11, or the thousands of innocent "Infidels" around the world who are systematically raped, tortured, mutilated, and murdered on a regular basis at the hands of the bloodthirsty Islamists who want to slit all of our throats.

 

The next event was the Bomb Toss, with the representatives from Portland and Seattle winning Gold and Silver, respectively. Craig Rosebraugh of Portland (former spokesperson for ELF, and current vegan restaurant owner) lead the way with his Moltov Cocktail throwing expertise, torching two Starbucks and an SUV dealership without spilling a drop.

 

The Splodeydope event came soon thereafter, and the Americans were left completely in the dust. The Palestinians own this event the way the East Germans owned womens ice skating throughout the 80's. It will be a very long time before the rest of the world catches up to the Palis. The gold medal winner was 8 year old Yassir Arafat III (no relation). He blew himself up in a mere 0.25 seconds, taking out a busload of 15 Jewish schoolchildren in one blast.

 

Next came the event that most of the world's Marxists (and "mainstream" journalists) were waiting for - The Trojan Horse Peace Group Equestrian Jump. This event (a favorite of Dan Rather's) features various so-called "anti-war" groups (which are really nothing more than fronts for Kim Jung Il, Fidel Castro, and Marxist governments around the world) jumping over hurdles and receiving nothing but positive press coverage. This year's winner (surprise surprise) was A.N.S.W.E.R. Although disappointed, "Not in Our Name," was satisfied with a Bronze. Code Pink won the Silver, which is pretty good for a bunch of butched-out Commie Pinko Lesbo Leninists from New York.

 

Next came Curling. Unlike the dumbass Cannuck version (shuffleboard on ice), the TerrOlympic version features various cowardly world leaders Curling up in the Fetal Position under their desks in response to terrorism. This year's winner (no surprise here) was Spain. Their new Prime Minister (Crapatero) was proud to win the Gold for his country. He will actually take possesion of it as soon as he grows a spine and is able to stand upright. We won't hold our breath.

 

The Curling event was followed by Back Stabbing (Canada won for harboring two American deserters, which American leftists claim they LIKE, although they hate Bush when they claim that he was "AWOL." Oh well, nobody ever expected consistency from a liberal dumbass).

 

Lifting was also a huge event this year, as it was proven that Kofi Annan, France, Russia, and others opposed to America's involvement in Iraq lifted huge sums of money from Saddam Hussein in exchange for their votes against the U.S. Hand-in-Hand with the Lifting event was a new category Looking the Other Way, in which CBS, NBC, PBS, BBC, CNN and other lamestream news organizations completely ignored the UN Oil for Food Scandal. Hey, you gotta give them some respect. As members of the Marxist-Islamist Alliance, these organizations have an honor to uphold. It was a tie.

 

The final event was the 1000 Kilometer Dash. The winner (once again) was Spain, as they ran out of Iraq with their tails between their legs faster than you can say "Carl Lewis." Prime Minister Crapatero was elated, as he proudly boasted "It's amazing how much quicker men can run when they don't have any balls to get in their way."

 

We congratulate this year's winners and look forward to each and every one of them getting cancer, AIDS, the plague, or a wide assortment of other hideous, painful diseases. May they all rot in hell.